Turning 40 three and half years ago was quite a bag of emotional worms for me - a bag I'm still holding and still sorting through. My mid-life crisis has consisted of upping my dedication to Kudalini Yoga, becoming a full fledged vegan and, as of last year, making a last ditch effort at starting a slut phase.
I have always been a relationship minded kind of guy, so this effort has been much trickier than you might think. I was raised to hate my body and my sexuality, which created a sort of sex-is-not-AS-evil-if-you're-having-it-within-a-loving-monogamous-partnership kind of reaction in me. Of course the evil twin side would come out every once in awhile, usually after much drinking, and I would make bad passes at friends or refuse to say no when friend's boyfriends would come onto me. And, of course, the crush of AIDS hit smack dab in the middle of my psycho-sexual development, which had the expected effect on my self-hating personality.
Anyhoosal, after a couple of LTRs-turn-torturous-heartbreaks at the hands of men who are even more screwed up than me, I decided it was time to get right with my sexuality; explore it; reveal in it; take risks; and try and get all NSA on the bad, co-dependent psychobabble in my head. Plus, ya know, time is running out for an aging twink like me. My options for hot sex are getting slimmer with each passing year. Unlike (insert obvious joke). If I were more of a "daddy" or "power top" the longevity of my sexual appeal could go well into my 50s, but as a versatile bottom with a budding interest sub/dom role playing and intermittent anxiety disorder, my sexual charisma is definitely more ebb than flow at this point. In short, I've got to get on this boat while I still have a chance.
So, I started with Grindr last year, which led to some interesting exploits (some of which are lingering) and just recently switched to Scruff. Actually, MOST recently, I deleted my Scruff profile and put myself on a little online hook-up site fast - but I skip ahead. Sending dirty texts and pics on a "dating" site was absolutely terrifying at first. In fact, at first I refused. Then I did it a little. Then one guy I was seeing regularly had me in a kind of private porn phase. He really brought out the "model" in me.
This happend with another guy as well. Like dating, the desire to engage seemed to be about chemistry. Some people wouldn't even get a shirtless picture, while others got all in the goods in no time. Eventually, I got lost in a haze of dirty photos. When I found myself spending the better part of a Saturday staging sexual photos for people I barely knew, I realized things had gotten weird. I may have travelled as far down this particular road as I should go.
These are actions I would not have thought possible 14 months ago. Some I may still live to regret, (only if my career ever gets off the ground, but that is a whole other mid life crisis), though no one was harmed, including me. What has happend in the meantime is that some barriers have come down inside me. I approached guys on those sites that I would never have dared talk to in person and some of them even talked back, told me I was funny or sexy. And, though I've really only hooked up with less guys that I can count on one hand, I feel my inner slut has been liberated (and my inner porn star). Plus I've had some regular old dates! Healthy sexual expression outside of a relationship is possible, desirable and maybe even necessary for me. After one intense hook up I noticed that my body was completely devoid of anxiety for nearly an entire week. It was like I had taken a time released valium. Is this what I've been missing my whole damn gay life? It remains to be seen.
These experiments and more will continue after my current fast. Who knows what liberations lay ahead. For now I'll take the benefits of being liberated from my pants and go with it.
I have always been a relationship minded kind of guy, so this effort has been much trickier than you might think. I was raised to hate my body and my sexuality, which created a sort of sex-is-not-AS-evil-if-you're-having-it-within-a-loving-monogamous-partnership kind of reaction in me. Of course the evil twin side would come out every once in awhile, usually after much drinking, and I would make bad passes at friends or refuse to say no when friend's boyfriends would come onto me. And, of course, the crush of AIDS hit smack dab in the middle of my psycho-sexual development, which had the expected effect on my self-hating personality. Anyhoosal, after a couple of LTRs-turn-torturous-heartbreaks at the hands of men who are even more screwed up than me, I decided it was time to get right with my sexuality; explore it; reveal in it; take risks; and try and get all NSA on the bad, co-dependent psychobabble in my head. Plus, ya know, time is running out for an aging twink like me. My options for hot sex are getting slimmer with each passing year. Unlike (insert obvious joke). If I were more of a "daddy" or "power top" the longevity of my sexual appeal could go well into my 50s, but as a versatile bottom with a budding interest sub/dom role playing and intermittent anxiety disorder, my sexual charisma is definitely more ebb than flow at this point. In short, I've got to get on this boat while I still have a chance.
So, I started with Grindr last year, which led to some interesting exploits (some of which are lingering) and just recently switched to Scruff. Actually, MOST recently, I deleted my Scruff profile and put myself on a little online hook-up site fast - but I skip ahead. Sending dirty texts and pics on a "dating" site was absolutely terrifying at first. In fact, at first I refused. Then I did it a little. Then one guy I was seeing regularly had me in a kind of private porn phase. He really brought out the "model" in me.
This happend with another guy as well. Like dating, the desire to engage seemed to be about chemistry. Some people wouldn't even get a shirtless picture, while others got all in the goods in no time. Eventually, I got lost in a haze of dirty photos. When I found myself spending the better part of a Saturday staging sexual photos for people I barely knew, I realized things had gotten weird. I may have travelled as far down this particular road as I should go.
These are actions I would not have thought possible 14 months ago. Some I may still live to regret, (only if my career ever gets off the ground, but that is a whole other mid life crisis), though no one was harmed, including me. What has happend in the meantime is that some barriers have come down inside me. I approached guys on those sites that I would never have dared talk to in person and some of them even talked back, told me I was funny or sexy. And, though I've really only hooked up with less guys that I can count on one hand, I feel my inner slut has been liberated (and my inner porn star). Plus I've had some regular old dates! Healthy sexual expression outside of a relationship is possible, desirable and maybe even necessary for me. After one intense hook up I noticed that my body was completely devoid of anxiety for nearly an entire week. It was like I had taken a time released valium. Is this what I've been missing my whole damn gay life? It remains to be seen.
These experiments and more will continue after my current fast. Who knows what liberations lay ahead. For now I'll take the benefits of being liberated from my pants and go with it.
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